lately léna

Dear, sweet Tobes,

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. A whole twelve months since you left our world – how is that possible? I still wait for your bark when someone knocks at the door. I still look for you when I hear thunder or fireworks going off. We both still routinely reach down from the sofa, expecting to touch your soft fur.

Your death was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and I know that, in a lot of ways, that makes me a very lucky person, but it still hurts, and it still feels bad once in a while. Thinking about you is still painful, though the pain has subsided some. It’s becoming easier to think of you and smile, rather than cry. We even have started talking about maybe, someday, getting another dog, though neither of us is sure we could ever get another Bernese Mountain dog, a breed we now just call, ‘Tobias dogs’.

Today, though, it’s hard. I’ve been in a funk all week, and only realized last night that the anniversary of your death just may have had something to do with that. I honestly never thought I could love a dog as much as I loved you. I’ve always loved dogs, yes, but not to the same degree. You were our baby, our best friend…in a way, you were very much the center of our world. I know it was time for you to go, and I know you went in the best way possible, surrounded by people who loved you the most, but I still can’t believe we lost you so soon. And I can’t believe you haven’t been here, in our daily lives, for a whole year.

We’re doing ok. We miss you every day, and we think of you a lot. We laugh at some of your silly quirks, and smile when we remember all the morning cuddles we were lucky enough to experience. We remember your favorite things to do (like going for a RIDE in the CAR with the windows DOWN!!!), and your not-so-favorite things to do (bath time). We remember your favorite foods, your one and only, falling-apart favorite toy, your affinity for dumpster-diving, and the diarrhea explosions you occasionally gifted upon our kitchen floor. I’d even take a few more of those for some more time with you!

I’m not sure what people do on the anniversary of their pet’s death, if anything, but I just wanted to let you know, Tobias, that we really are doing ok. We miss you more than anything, but we’re fine, and we will continue to be fine. I know you held on as long as you did because your one and only priority in life was to selflessly love and care for us, and you did a really good job, buddy. We’ll never, ever, forget you, and we’ll always be better people, pet-owners, and maybe even parents, because of our time with you.

So much love,
xxLena and Conrad

P.S. Dogs can totally read blogs in heaven, right?? Pretty sure that’s a real thing…