I know, logically, that turning 30 is not a big deal. Emotionally, however, it is a big deal, to me anyway. While I’d love to be able to say that I’m completely immune to the hegemonic, old-fashioned, patriarchal bullsh*t that surrounds our society, I’m of course not. I do feel panicked about turning 30. I am not sure why, but I do. If you’re older than 30, you may be thinking, ‘lol, JUST WAIT ‘TILL 40’, or ‘ehh, 30 is no biggie’, and I’m sure you’re right, but for some stupid reason I have been feeling panicky all year at the thought of no longer being in my 20s.
Is it because I’m not where I thought I’d be at 30? Not really, to be honest. As someone who wasn’t sure she’d ever get married, I’m surprised and pleased almost daily at the fact that I managed to find a life partner. Career-wise, I definitely have days where I think, ‘What am I doing, where am I going, is this what I want to do, WILL PEOPLE FIGURE OUT THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING??’, but, for the most part, I feel pretty secure in the path I’m on. Baby/family-wise, I know I’m not ready so am not even thinking about that yet. With the move to Sweden last year, things have definitely not been settled or ‘normal’ by any means, but, as I’ve shared, everything so far has worked out.
Maybe it has to do more with saying goodbye to my twenties than it does embracing my thirties…My twenties were such a roller coaster of self-discovery, and I suppose in many ways turning 30 is like being in 8th grade and finally, FINALLY getting the hang of middle school before being thrust into high school as a freshmen, starting over once more, scared and, well, fresh.
After ten (seemingly) long years, I’m just starting to feel comfortable with myself as an adult…does turning 30 mean everything I’ve come to learn and accept will be thrown into orbit? Is this the beginning of the end of my ‘youth’ (as I know it)? Do I feel ready to give up being a stupid, flighty twenty-something, and all the excuses that come with being that age? Does turning 30 mean that I have to suddenly know all the things I still don’t know, like how to invest money, or buy a home, or choose the right life insurance plan? Aren’t I supposed to know these things by the time I’m 30? I have five more months…WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN THESE THINGS???
I apologize for the rambling nature of this post, but this has been something I’ve been meaning to write about for some time, if only to get my thoughts out of my head and onto my screen. I’m almost certain that, if I’m still blogging in ten years, I’ll look back at this post and either laugh or feel pity towards my young, naive self…but I also hope that, should I still be blogging in ten years, I’ll read this post and feel empathy and love for this confused, anxious girl. It’s likely that in ten years I still WON’T have figured anything out, but that’s ok! Because isn’t that what life is? A constant, moving target that none of us can make sense of?
Instead, I hope that I look back and think happily about the journey, about the ups and downs that brought me wherever I’ll be then.
Here’s to the last few months of being an anxious, goofy, all-over-the-place twenty-something, to honouring this path (triumphs, mistakes and all), the place I’m in today, and to figuring things out with courage, kindness, and a modicum of grace.