I know, logically, that turning 30 is not a big deal. Emotionally, however, it is a big deal, to me anyway. While I’d love to be able to say that I’m completely immune to the hegemonic, old-fashioned, patriarchal bullsh*t that surrounds our society, I’m of course not. I do feel panicked about turning 30. I am not sure why, but I do. If you’re older than 30, you may be thinking, ‘lol, JUST WAIT ‘TILL 40’, or ‘ehh, 30 is no biggie’, and I’m sure you’re right, but for some stupid reason I have been feeling panicky all year at the thought of no longer being in my 20s.
Is it because I’m not where I thought I’d be at 30? Not really, to be honest. As someone who wasn’t sure she’d ever get married, I’m surprised and pleased almost daily at the fact that I managed to find a life partner. Career-wise, I definitely have days where I think, ‘What am I doing, where am I going, is this what I want to do, WILL PEOPLE FIGURE OUT THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING??’, but, for the most part, I feel pretty secure in the path I’m on. Baby/family-wise, I know I’m not ready so am not even thinking about that yet. With the move to Sweden last year, things have definitely not been settled or ‘normal’ by any means, but, as I’ve shared, everything so far has worked out.
Maybe it has to do more with saying goodbye to my twenties than it does embracing my thirties…My twenties were such a roller coaster of self-discovery, and I suppose in many ways turning 30 is like being in 8th grade and finally, FINALLY getting the hang of middle school before being thrust into high school as a freshmen, starting over once more, scared and, well, fresh.
After ten (seemingly) long years, I’m just starting to feel comfortable with myself as an adult…does turning 30 mean everything I’ve come to learn and accept will be thrown into orbit? Is this the beginning of the end of my ‘youth’ (as I know it)? Do I feel ready to give up being a stupid, flighty twenty-something, and all the excuses that come with being that age? Does turning 30 mean that I have to suddenly know all the things I still don’t know, like how to invest money, or buy a home, or choose the right life insurance plan? Aren’t I supposed to know these things by the time I’m 30? I have five more months…WHEN AM I GOING TO LEARN THESE THINGS???
I apologize for the rambling nature of this post, but this has been something I’ve been meaning to write about for some time, if only to get my thoughts out of my head and onto my screen. I’m almost certain that, if I’m still blogging in ten years, I’ll look back at this post and either laugh or feel pity towards my young, naive self…but I also hope that, should I still be blogging in ten years, I’ll read this post and feel empathy and love for this confused, anxious girl. It’s likely that in ten years I still WON’T have figured anything out, but that’s ok! Because isn’t that what life is? A constant, moving target that none of us can make sense of?
Instead, I hope that I look back and think happily about the journey, about the ups and downs that brought me wherever I’ll be then.
Here’s to the last few months of being an anxious, goofy, all-over-the-place twenty-something, to honouring this path (triumphs, mistakes and all), the place I’m in today, and to figuring things out with courage, kindness, and a modicum of grace.
Cheers!
xxLena
Mallorca is the largest of Spain’s Balearic Islands, and a tourist hot spot during the summer months. After epically failing at my last attempt to visit Spain in 2010 (a total and utter fiasco, including the Icelandic volcano eruption, a friend stranded in Switzerland with a burst appendix, and a urinary tract infection on my part), I still had never been to the country and was absolutely DYING to go. After a bit of back and forth with my sister, who is currently living in Beijing, I found some decently priced tickets on a cheap airline and voila! A trip was born*.
We left from Stockholm on the 4th of July and, despite a few delays, made it to Mallorca safe and sound by nightfall. Having just a few days to rest and explore before Margot’s course began, we spent the entire time sunning, eating, drinking, exploring, and speaking terrible Spanish to anyone who’d listen.
On Saturday, after having our fill of city strolling and beach lazing (including some hilariously bad sun burns. I mean, honestly, WHEN WILL I LEARN??? Sunscreen. ALWAYS sunscreen.) we decided to take the local train to Sóller, a town near the north west coast of Mallorca, known for it’s idyllic views and bustling markets.
If you get a chance to visit Mallorca, I HIGHLY suggest spending a day in Sóller. The itself trip was stunning, with train tracks lined with lush lemon trees, mountains, farms, and little villages, and Sóller was charming and wonderful to explore on foot. It’s quite touristy, but not in a tacky, Disneyland sort of way. Within minutes, you can find yourself strolling along quiet neighbourhoods and alleyways, away from the bustle of the main square.
As you can see, it did not disappoint. I left that evening tan, tired, and already planning my next trip.
Now, I know it is only March but I am very proud to say that I have been sticking to my resolution quite well! The only item of clothing I’ve bought is a winter parka that I found at a second hand shop for 40 dollars, and I really, really needed one (I swear!). But that’s it! And I bought a few items for our new place, but really nothing other than the essentials (which, by the way, was bloody TORTURE. Word to the wise: don’t go to IKEA when trying not to shop for a year).
As with almost everything in my life, this situation is only temporary (we are going to try to eventually buy an apartment in Uppsala), but I can’t tell you how excited I am to spend spring and summer here. Swimming in the lake (or, rather, watching Conrad and Win swim since I am a cold water wimp-extraordinaire), hiking along forest trails, growing herbs and flowers outside my window, grilling with our neighbors, stargazing from our hammock, and so much more.
Of course, most of these fantasies do NOT include the foot and a half of snow that is currently surrounding us…but I can wait. After all, spring is coming!
